TeaRFuL DaY

Ok.. this might be a long entry.. so bear wif me for a while.. esp Tingzi.. thanks for yest btw =)

Yest there was a major uproar in my family.. Was peacefully giving tuition to my P1 kiddy and then my dad starting roaring at the maid for doing something wrong (which was rather trivial if you ask) in the living room.. and naturally my mum was up to her defense and of coz trying to get him to lower his voice coz I was giving tuition.. And he didn't.. And I got fed up too.. so initially I tried to keep my anger down (and believe me.. I really tried) by tellign him politely that there's a kid in the house so dun shout in front of her.. And when he asked me to shut up (as in SHOUT) that was it.. I literally screamed at him to lower his voice.. the last straw.. subsequently came the leash of emotions.. in fact i suppose i was that desperate that I called up Tingzi.. (and she got scared by me haha) and was half choking and half making out audible words for her..

Yup yup.. so for the whole of 1 hour I was cryign and toking to her too.. I wonder why I suddenly ahf that much tears too haha.. and I suppose I did scare Ms Yee wif my type of voice yest too when she gave me a call.. haha.. and my type of reaction and tots too..

Of coz.. it is exceedingly human to just think that why can't my parents just divorce? It was a real hard thought that has been stuck in my mind ever since young I suppose.. I do respect my mum for the courage she has had and for the love and concern she has showered over us liek forever.. I really find it hard to forgive my dad no matter how much I try...

Which led to me shedding tears twice in front of Ms Yee juz now during and after service.. During service was because while worshipping God I really couldn't carry on.. it was just so overwhelming that I started crying.. And what Pastor Lilian said struck my heart.. alot.. And it was God's message for me I presume.. Forgiveness.. and it successfully made me cry more too.. It felt as though I just haven't cried for years then.. and i suppose that was why I couldn't really absorb what the speaker was trying to bring across today.. mei xin qing.. LOL and i think mervyn din dare to say anything juz now since i reckon my eyes were really quite swollen...

Then after service.. I was already calmed down... and started crying again when I was asked if I'm ready to forgive my dad.. Fact was I was struggling.. as in.. i suppose that was why I was playign abt wif my fingers.. to make my decision.. explaining the super long pause.. haha.. Yeah.. I suppose it was really when I juz couldnt stop crying.. I can't help sinking into depression at times as I got surrounded by loads of "why" questions in my head.. Shall not go into details here.. but yeah.. it is not easy.. I really dun wanna choose the easy way out like what Ms yee said yest.. but its just such a deep dilemma that i'm twirled in now..

Major sigh.. But anyways.. after that it was rather light-hearted.. Went shopping for shoes wif Ms Yee.. haha.. ok not me.. I was juz in charge of choosing the shoes.. And she said I lost weight?! LOL... she muz be kidding hahaha.. but anyway... BS will be on every fri as of now.. haha.. coz my whole sat will be taken up by ballet and everything hahaha...

Well.. what can I say? I wanna stop crying over such stuff but its only human.. hahaha.. Awaiting for the tok wif Pastor next Fri.. Letting go isn't as easy as I thought...