BibLe sTudY 3

Erm ok.. so the defiant me once again chose not to attend cell even though mummy's not at home today.. but that's only coz I had a wee bit of catching up to do wif that old friend (erm.. not exactly that old lar haha..) of mine.. erm.. tingzi I think you know whom i'm referring to, though she is INDEED OLDER than me LOL...

Yeap... but had BS in the early afternn.. lunch wif YX b4 that.. ok.. I still think what I ate was so totally unhealthy and I am supposed to be watching my weight or not I can't fit into the leotard that I just got made from the factory LOL.. But well.. indulgence after getting a job LOL.. even if its just for a mth I'm gg to be rather tired out next mth, so peeps, pls dun be surprised if I look or even complain of tiredness again (well.. I do that every Sunday don't I? So YX and Ms Yee shldn't be surprised haha)

Reckon I am still suffering from the aftermath of As because I never seem to be be able to lift up my energy and complain I'm always tired LOL.. ok erm maybe coz I juz feel drained by the end of the whole week and I dun exactly enjoy gg to church alone (the dependent gal wif the only child look LOL)

Yeah.. BS.. I can't exactly memorise the verse as of yet coz its so long.. but I only vaguely recalled it's sth abt a man being blessed if he is not evil and so on LOL.. Erm.. as usual it was more of a crapping session.. not that I mind anyway.. since once my voice box is opened, it'll never be closed till appropiate times.. I am ENTHU and TALKATIVE one yeah? haha.. juz that I behave diff at church ;) Sorry YX, if i did take up any of ur excess time..

Yup... that's abt all.. as for this coming sun.. I'll either be shoppping for a while or juz nua at home.. CNY's coming but I'm not exactly in the mood -_-"

random

Ok I just needed to get this off my chest.. never mind if you guys dun understand what I mean.. I reckon Tingzi shld know what I'm toking abt.. If I dun blog abt this it probably is gg to get me down..

Many times, I do wish that I'm not too sensitive nor emotional.. Or rather.. let's put it this way.. Many times, I really wish that I dun think too much and can just take things the way they are and not dwell upon it.. I've always haf this emotional baggage around me which I always dun let out unless I really can't take it..

Perhaps its coz I din have many friends around me when I was younger and that's why I cherish friendships as I found them along my pathway.. Why did I ever choose to do that? I dunno.. Well.. I'm a person who's always direct with her words and to a certain extent, I do agree that I can be rather insensitive sometimes.. But I know jolly well that I can't hide my feelings all in.. because it'll just be a repeat of the year 2005 which really was a torturous year in my opinion..

I might not be the person concerned there but I reckon that I must have become too dominant over the years, especially of friendships.. I'm not like others who can put it down as easily as they say it.. No, I'm not.. on the contrary.. I dun really know what is the true meaning of friendships.. It is indeed hard for an extrovert who is much of an introvert at heart to communicate with an introvert, for you never know what is going on within her inner thoughts..

I'm easily hurt just because I think too much.. But that is just me.. I feel so.. lost.. I feel like crying but I can't..

Xian zai.. shi bu shi wo gai shuo wo yao fang shou de shi hou le ne? Xin zhong de mao dun.. wo zhen de mei ban fa liao jie zi ji.. sui ran cen jing you ren gen wo shuo guo, mei ren neng bi ni zi ji geng liao jie zi ji..

Wo lei le.. wei he bu neng rang wo sha ren you sha fu ne? Zhen de ning yuan rang shi jian dao liu suan le...

UNi inFo

Erm ok.. so I was rather late for service today.. coz I was caught up with this imitating show at raffles city by this guy who came from China and ended up leaving only at 1.30.. haha.. partly also because I dun exactly want to go so early since service always begins late =X Me and my excuses..

Anyways.. yeah today wasn't a crying session and I thank God that I saw Mei Hui the minute I entered the sanctuary (from the front -_-") Din exactly haf time to catch up so we chatted for awhile after service.. haha.. Was finding out more abt NUS and life sciences.. and just when I thought I wun haf enough info regarding chem.. Toopid kor came along! Haha.. turns out that my "da-sao" is taking Chem in NUS hahaha... So it was a rather good chance to find out what kind of stuff they do... it doesn't seem to be much of a diff for her from JC and Uni so far but she hasn't gotten to the Organic Chem part yet so.. haha.. And I'm gg to be at a slight disadvantage coz I din take physics haha.. Hmmm... nvm still haf time.. haha..

Din exactly comprehend what Pastor was preaching abt "Agape" today.. coz I was rather tired and overstretched (muscle aches everywhere... yiii) from yest's ballet lesson haha.. though I did quite like the cute instructor loads.. was laughing more than I was stretching! Haha.. Hmm..I dunno... I still can't bring myself to forgive him..

While on the bus wif mummy today to the train station.. she was talking abt why she din wan a divorce and all.. she's so much stronger than I am.. and it leads me thinking.. if she doesn't want it.. why am I doing it? Or rather... why do I wish for it? But then again when I tot of how my dad treats her the way he does.. I dunno if its anger or whatsoever.. its just something like "Not again..." or "I just wish it doesn't happen" that type of feeling.. Filial piety? Well.. I'm not too sure abt that..

Oh well.. Chem? Bio? Haha... Apparently Mei Hui hasn't seen me in church for quite sometime too... haha.. maybe I'll go next week.. but I'm def not gg on 11th Feb coz of newspaper collection.. gg back to TJC!! Weee!!!!! But I wonder how it feels to go back masked in the identity of an ex-student of the alumni.. hmmm...

Chem.. bio.. results... rahhhh..

BibLe sTudY

Ok.. so today's session was a seriously last minute one coz I only received the call from Ms Yee at around 2.45 haha.. Lucky thing I din haf any plans finalised for today or not it's gg to be pushed off to dunno when again.. haha.. But apparently my mummy dun wan me to go HK =( So bo bian.. Anyway I was rotting this morning, trying to do a little of everything.. a lil of piano, a lil of ballet, a lil bit of TV and blah blah blah haha..

Yeah.. today's BS was on 1 John 1:9 "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us of our unrighteousness"

Now... Nobody can complain of my memory le haha... Here's last BS' verse ;)

John 1:12 " But as many as received Him, to them He gave the right to become children of God, even to those who believe in His name"

Hiak hiak... anyway.. I tot it was rather funny when Ms Yee asked what does the word cleanse mean to me and I said to clean coz the word cleanse is made up of clean and "s","e"! Hahaha.. Ok lar.. that was a lil out of the point =P Apparently, Ms Yee was rather tired out too hehe.. Though I think she hasn't and probably wun meet another student like me who can drive her nuts by getting her to stay back everytime she has a free period for consultation hahaha..

Yeah.. and I shot her wif the question regarding divorce.. I suppose it was juz natural of me.. as in my reaction.. =X

Oh well.. took up part of my time only but left me rather drained since I dun exactly like to travel that far just for a while.. I wonder what's in store for the next BS? =X

TeaRFuL DaY

Ok.. this might be a long entry.. so bear wif me for a while.. esp Tingzi.. thanks for yest btw =)

Yest there was a major uproar in my family.. Was peacefully giving tuition to my P1 kiddy and then my dad starting roaring at the maid for doing something wrong (which was rather trivial if you ask) in the living room.. and naturally my mum was up to her defense and of coz trying to get him to lower his voice coz I was giving tuition.. And he didn't.. And I got fed up too.. so initially I tried to keep my anger down (and believe me.. I really tried) by tellign him politely that there's a kid in the house so dun shout in front of her.. And when he asked me to shut up (as in SHOUT) that was it.. I literally screamed at him to lower his voice.. the last straw.. subsequently came the leash of emotions.. in fact i suppose i was that desperate that I called up Tingzi.. (and she got scared by me haha) and was half choking and half making out audible words for her..

Yup yup.. so for the whole of 1 hour I was cryign and toking to her too.. I wonder why I suddenly ahf that much tears too haha.. and I suppose I did scare Ms Yee wif my type of voice yest too when she gave me a call.. haha.. and my type of reaction and tots too..

Of coz.. it is exceedingly human to just think that why can't my parents just divorce? It was a real hard thought that has been stuck in my mind ever since young I suppose.. I do respect my mum for the courage she has had and for the love and concern she has showered over us liek forever.. I really find it hard to forgive my dad no matter how much I try...

Which led to me shedding tears twice in front of Ms Yee juz now during and after service.. During service was because while worshipping God I really couldn't carry on.. it was just so overwhelming that I started crying.. And what Pastor Lilian said struck my heart.. alot.. And it was God's message for me I presume.. Forgiveness.. and it successfully made me cry more too.. It felt as though I just haven't cried for years then.. and i suppose that was why I couldn't really absorb what the speaker was trying to bring across today.. mei xin qing.. LOL and i think mervyn din dare to say anything juz now since i reckon my eyes were really quite swollen...

Then after service.. I was already calmed down... and started crying again when I was asked if I'm ready to forgive my dad.. Fact was I was struggling.. as in.. i suppose that was why I was playign abt wif my fingers.. to make my decision.. explaining the super long pause.. haha.. Yeah.. I suppose it was really when I juz couldnt stop crying.. I can't help sinking into depression at times as I got surrounded by loads of "why" questions in my head.. Shall not go into details here.. but yeah.. it is not easy.. I really dun wanna choose the easy way out like what Ms yee said yest.. but its just such a deep dilemma that i'm twirled in now..

Major sigh.. But anyways.. after that it was rather light-hearted.. Went shopping for shoes wif Ms Yee.. haha.. ok not me.. I was juz in charge of choosing the shoes.. And she said I lost weight?! LOL... she muz be kidding hahaha.. but anyway... BS will be on every fri as of now.. haha.. coz my whole sat will be taken up by ballet and everything hahaha...

Well.. what can I say? I wanna stop crying over such stuff but its only human.. hahaha.. Awaiting for the tok wif Pastor next Fri.. Letting go isn't as easy as I thought...

ThaNkSg|viNg

Alright.. since I din go for the dinner tonight.. I might as well do my own here haha.. not that I dun wanna go or that I'm choosing to be anti-social, but I just dun like it when I start to feel awkward around ppl whom I dunno and dun sit next to during services.. Yeap.. the withdrawn me.. perhaps that's why I keep skipping services.. I dun wana do it on purpose.. but I just dun like the feeling of being alone.. Why else do you think I keep bringing (or rather.. hard psychoing haha) Ali and KL along? Sigh..

Anyways.. I went to do a lil bit of volunteer work today at Childran's Cancer Foundation! Haha.. Wasn't too much it was just gift wrapping and we spent like more than half the day there (me, KL and Ali the famous trio.. hehe) just to pack up everything etc hehe.. FUN!! Would like to do more next time ;) And I've clinched one more tuition offer hehe.. Plus if the relief teaching doesn't come in by end of jan.. I'll be taking up a job offer at the bank ($6.50 per hour at hougang! Haha.. near my hse.. wee!!) for the whole of feb.. and its a 5.5 day work week.. Not that I mind anyway.. I love being busy than to rot at home.. But I still wanna get a relief teaching job =(

As for the thanksgiving part, pardon me if it's not exactly in chronological order coz I'm doing this impromptu hahaha..

Would just love to thank God for these lovely things that occured in the beautiful year of 2006:

1) Getting promoted!!! Wee!!

2) Giving me great tutors! I love Ms Tay's lessons loads! Miss her.. haha.. but oh well.. can't turn
back the clock though as I step into a new phase of my life.. And how can I ever forget Ivan Lim? Muahaha.. I think our whole class will nvr forget him..

3) Making me less vulnerable and not as tense up since I've made the right decision to drop dance in 2005 for studies and better time management..

4) For sending me Tingzi who is that so very good confidante of mine to the extent that this year she's the only one who saw me cry after 6 months of suppressed feelings! OMG!!!

5) For keeping my resolution of not crying so much.. in fact, I think I've smiled and laughed more in front of my classmates! =) Yea... and made more lame jokes too hahaha...

6) Controlling my temper and anger bit by bit?? LOL.. I still need to pray for this though..

Things to be prayed for and looked forward to in 2007:
1) A level results!! Yiii.. I hope I can get the MOE scholarship.. or not there goes my dreams of gg overseas to study.. But then again.. I can't bear to part wif my mummy... Well.. I've indeed donw my best le..

2) Pls pls pls pls pls... pray hard for myself to get the relief teaching job! I wanna know if I'm cut out for this career pathway...

3) Entry into either NTU or NUS for either the biomed double deg or chem/biomed.. still haven't exactly decided what I want over at the NUS side..

4) Establish new friendships at the various courses that I'm gg to be learning? Hahaha.. like seriously? =X

Oh well I suppose that is abt all that I can think of now.. feeling a lil sleepy from running around the whole day.. still need to make a trip to YMCA to reg for ballet 2mr wif KL!! Yay.. hehe..

UpDatE oN cHaLeT

So tired and drained out after 2 sleepless nights.. or rather.. I was quite sleepy but was kept awake by either mahjong or something else hahaha.. It's a good thing I din turn up for service today or not I'll end up sleeping like a log during sermon.. Broke my own record for not sleeping hahaha...

Oh wells.. anyway.. chalet was rather fun except for some not too pleasant encounters.. and the best part was.. Ms Tay dropped by!! Wee.. missed her loads.. And she did try to entertain each and everyone of us hahaha..

Alright.. I shld be coming for service next week if i can make it. haha. Disappearing act for 2 weeks already..

I miss my life in TJ..

CHaLeT

Hmm.. might not be gg for service this week due to chalet =) So this blog shall remain still for a while ;)

But until then. . cya!! =)

EmbRacInG 2007

Embracing 2007 and goodbye to the year of 2006! Hahaha.. Ok I took that from my MSN contact's nick hehehe..

Anyways.. I din go for the watch night service yest coz I was hosting Kai Lin and Alina hehehe.. Yeap.. we played a few rounds of mahjong (as usual) and also played the tempo game as shown on tv by tian cai chong chong chong.. Din really countdown but sounds fun as we all started sending SMSes tog at 12 midnight and complaining that the server was lagging haha =) And I really was laughing coz apparently I've managed to send everyone else's but not Ms Yee's hahaha.. I really miss my tutors loads.. esp Mr Lim and Ms Tay hahaha.. Ivan Lim nvr fails to crack me up wif his reply SMSes hahaha.. But I really miss the way Ms Tay teached Chem and as of today.. I'm labelled as an ex-student of TJC already *sniffs*

But oh well.. pt is thank goodness I din go too.. coz it ended at arnd 1 am and I'm certain there'll be no transport home other than the taxi haha.. which apparently wasn't available yest either hahaha.. And I din go for the afternn service either.. I spent like 4 hours just cleaning up my room alone hahahaha...

Ms Gn asked me a question which struck an impact on me just now but maybe coz I was half entertaining my frens and i was a lil distracted there.. but on hindsight.. I regret hafing that conversation with her... It makes me question myself if I really can call myself a Christian.. Hmmm.. Doubts.. wonders.. Perhaps this is part of the Devil's battle in my mind like what I've read in the book.. Btw.. KL saw that book and wanted to borrow it hahaha..

I must say that it was a lil wake up call on how slack I've been during the hols.. in terms of reading the bible and all.. Sigh.. I just can't find the motivation.. So I suppose my prayer agenda for this week will be:

1) To obtain more motivation and to get into action
2) Get the relief teachign job no matter where I may be stationed
3) Get a few more tutoring jobs and maybe a part time job if time permits.

That's all for now.. Happy new year peeps =)