random

Before I turn in.. Just came across this psalm when I was blog surfing in an attempt to relieve stress...

Psalm 139..

Shall not state the details here.. but I felt that it really hit me hard on the head that I haven't been reading my bible for a long time.. so when I finally did this morning (which I bet might be the last time I do before the As.. ) The book of Titus seemed to be so true.. hmmm.. Wrote down a few of my thoughts there.. oh well.. that's abt all I guess..

and OMG.. I can't imagine what Ms Tay will say if I tell he I dun haf much questions to ask her.. if only she's teachng bio.. haha.. she'll scream at the no. of questions.. but then again.. I shall leave my doubts for bio unanswered because I really and seriously am running out of time since my 2nd week involves all 3 subjects and I'm wekaer in Math.. I juz pray hard that my Chem wun slip (and not get too pulled down by the dummy skill A) and that I can scrape through Bio.. +ve thinking would be 3As!!! =) Maths.. maths.. maths.. pls dun let me down!

Yi4 chang3 feng1 po1

Well.. like what I told Tingzi and promised myself.. once I've finished blogging, this whole episode will be over.. like once and for all..

Had consultation session wif Ms Yee today (yeah.. coz no other free timeslots) Pretty fruitful.. din exactly prepare alot of questions to ask her already since she said shldn't be doing prelim papers anymore.. So when she asked abt it I just said I've given up on them and I doubt I'm gg to even take them up to revise again..

Shortly after that.. she told me abt how unhappy she was over my attitude on Thurs over the phone.. I hereby really sincerely apologise again for that tone of mine that day (even though I doubt Ms Yee will see this since this entry will be gone soon to the bottom of the blog) yeah.. funny thing is she also apologised to me.. ok lar.. I admit that previously I really was irated that I did soooo many prelim papers but yet my queries can't be answered and I was told that I shldn't be doing them when I spent quite a considerable amt of time on them.. Plus there's also the minor issue of how I feel that if I've spent the money on them, I might as well do it, even if its not the whole paper.. Coz it's not my money we're talking abt here.. it's my parents' money..

And I admit that I was rude that day.. partly coz I was so sick and tired of having to contact 4 or more ppl.. and I was also quite upset over my Maths retest result (yeah.. I cried before and after calling Ms Yee) Stress and all.. since I dun really just have Bio to study for.. and my Maths isn't in a good condition.. And it has come to a point whereby I can get stressed even when I see her.. which shldn't be the case coz she's supposed to be one of the better teachers that I can click with and tell her everything..

Oh well.. but I'm glad that Tingzi made me see this issue from another point of view.. at least this shows that we're honest with each other.. even though my heart really sank after that hahaha.. but yup.. through this I suppose it's gg to be better after the As.. I'm praying hard that my efforts wun go down the drain..

3As... 3As.. 3As!!!!! Praying hard.. =

Ok.. end of entry.. case closed for the above episode =) Jiayou for those having exams..

YX.. if you're seeing this.. pls dun tell Ms Yee that I've blogged this entry since she doesn't read my blog oft and I dun wanna bring up this matter again lest we both feel bad again.. just let God do things His own way, let Him do it the way He depicts it if Ms yee sees this... Thanks alot..

Rahhh... stupid A levels...

MatHs.. RaHHhhh..

[EDIT] Before you read on.. please allow me to add on sth to the prayer agenda.. Pls pray that me right thumb will stop aching so that I wun hafta go for acupuncture! The last thing I need now is to see needles poking into my nerve.. That'll teach me not to type so fast for SMSes next time!! Sighs... the days w/o a house phone...

I just had a 15 min good long cry in my good old bed... Was just so bummed out by Maths.. Din look Mrs Tag up in the afternn coz of my sawying emotions.. in fact actually i had wanted to cry after I received my paper because I knew I could have done better.. as in much better.. Well... can't help feeling that I really suck in afternn papers and darn it.. maths is always in the afternn..

I can feel the same old thing happening again.. in fact.. its been another 6 mths since I've last cried for a long long time.. erm.. ya.. If you dun take crying because of the STUPID maths prelim paper 2 in accnt..

Sometimes I wonder.. is it a stigma w/n me? but yeah.. i couldn't help but swear juz now.. I suppose Enci was taken by shock wif me.. if he did hear that.. I din mean it.. but I was juz feeling down.. But well.. I suppose I managed to hide my feelings coz no one detected anythign wrong wif me.. it was till I was alone and toking to Wei Ling and after that Ms Yee that a few tears rolled... If only I haf the ability to turn the tables arnd.. I'm feeling so stressed to the extent that now I see Ms Yee only I oso stressed.. this doesn't look good..

FYI.. i'm blogging this here because I juz needed to rant... SO pardon me if you've gotten to the end of this entry.. I'm really sorry..

ReLaTiOnsHiPs?

It wasn't until I read Cindy's blog that I realised that yeah.. indeed alot of ppl are in the same plight as me... yes, call me self-centred.. But well.. while reading her blog entry.. alot of flashbacks and thoughts came into my mind..

It just made me realise that how distant we tend to feel from our dads as we grow up day by day.. year by year.. whether dad is there or not doesn't seem to make a difference anymore.. even though my dad is here in Sg everyday.. and I see him everyday.. I dun seem to share the same thoughts as him. .or rather.. I seldom even exchange sentences with him.. Even though in recent years he has been trying his best to fulfil the duties of a Dad.. I noe he loves us.. because that explains the bday gift that comes in terms of a hongbao every year.. it goes to show that he has us in his heart.. doesn't it?

Which also brings me to think.. Do men really hide their feelings alot just like women do? Perhaps it is that hard for them to express their thoughts.. As we gradually understand mroe and more of earthly affairs.. Parents fail to understand us mroe and more and how we actually do feel what might be best for them.. or rather, how we feel they shld do (DIsclaminer: this is just my point of view.. no offence intended!)

Many a times we often feel the best way out is a divorce (and I still feel that way too) But what would life be liek after a divorcE? Does it really puts all miseries to an end? Well.. that's a solution taht can never be found I suppose.. A few nights ago.. mum was complaining abt dad again just when my sis came back from her movie.. and I can't help but feel irated by that so I just shot her with this "Mum, can I JUST get by for a day w/o hearing your rants abt dad please??" Call it a plea.. her rants really always affect my day, my mood, and much less to say.. disrupts my study routine.. And that was also my sis's reaction too.. Of course after that i felt very guilty because I always thought that a person should have someone to pour out his/her woes to.. But I really feel fed up abt this coz its always the same thing..

Is it a one-sided vieW? HAs my thoughts really been affected by mum? I dunno abt that..

Which also makes me ponder.. If I can't even handle this kind of relationships which are supposed to be the closest to my heart.. what abt the relationship with God? Though of course I know that God is definitely in charge of everything.. But there really are alot of times whereby I just feel like asking why is God giving us such things to worry abt? These are the ppl who are supposedly closest to you but yet you tend to hide things away from them and they try to hide things away from you too.. I know that God has a purpose for everything.. but I really wish that sometimes.. God will just let this purpose be known soon..

Ok.. I suppose I'm done ranting here.. better get back to my studies.. or not 2mr I'll get killed by Ms Yee for not doing my Bio essays again..

gOoNg!!

OMG.. I'm hooked onto Goong now.. I muz go and buy the DVD after As!! Caijing and Shin and Lv!! I'm in love.. hahahha...

And today's consultation for Chem was funnY! hahaha.. I'm really starting to love Chem more and more.. LOL.. DOubt I'll major in it though.. can't imagine the rest of my life dealing with chemicals.. Though I would liek to try teaching it.. maybe gif tuition haha..

But anyway.. things to thank God for:

1) Xuan Yun got promoted!! Even though it was just.. but still she got promoted =) Really thank God for it.. coz she realloy deserves this since in the 1st place she shldn't even haf been retained.. Her results would have been much better than mine lo if she were to be in year 2 now.. hahaha..

2) I'm still striving one alogn with my classmates... and I am able to cover at least 2 subjects (including the never ending maths which takes me eternity to do) a day.. and if I'm fast and haf the stamina to continue.. 3 a day! Even though its juz one chapter for bio and maybe MCQ and a bit of structured for chem? 1100 words? hehehe..

As for the prayer agenda for the mth (YES.. mth.. will update if there are more)

1) Continue to strive on for everyone inclusive of myself and my CG mates..

2) Class chalet!! Hope it can be organised in time before the guys go NS..

3) Exams to be smooth-sailing.. and that we can rem our concepts..

4) Stop coming online for too long!

Basically.. nth else coz I'm juz focusing on mugging.. Till after As.. Oh btw.. I dun think I'll be in Singapore on Christmas unless its an afternn service.. will be in Genting.. At least.. that's the temporary plan.. And before that.. its play, play and mroe play! And Goong, Goong and more Goong! I think I'll be more busy after teh As.. hahaha.. but I shall try and come for service.. haha.. As for BS.. umz.. that will hafta wait I suppose? I think I will only start to settle down in Jan LOL... But before that.. hehehhehehehe...

GRadUaTioN aFteRmaTh

Umz.. I dun exactly feel happy with graudtaion but yeah.. I really have strong feelings for TJ yeah? It really was teh place where I grew up in.. and learnt how to do alot of things ;)

Pt aside.. this was what I couldn't blog the other side.. teh reply taht I gave Ms Tay when she said if it was a qing shu was that "Lao shi, you dun get me into trouble wor.. still got no guys chasing me yet lehx!" haha.. in chinese! LOL..

Ok lar.. basically I just wanna thank God that yest's class dinner was so smooth sailing and also that today's graduation was really.. memory provoking.. as to details of what happened.. refer to teh other side of me! I will definitely miss TJ and CG 25/05.. Video wasn't touching enough for me to cry but I just can't help but feel overwhelmed when it was the last time that we sang the college anthem.. and taking pictures.. even though it wasn't exactly the last day of sch with the ongoing consultation sessions..

All in all.. I will really miss Ms Tay, Ms yee, Mr Lim and blah blah blah.. Yeah Tj rocks!

Oh btw.. today's maths was bad hahaha..

ShoRT sErviCe

Umz.. today has gotta be the shortest but yet the most tiring service ever.. Contradictory there but well.. because I only slept for abt 4 hours last night.. I really was trying very hard not to yawn too much.. besides.. I kind of like Uncle Andy's (or izzit uncle wee?) preaching.. haha.. though Uncle Sam's one will be much more fun and more laughter hahaha...

Due to the oversaturation from Maths in the morning and also lack of sleep.. I couldn't really catch what he was saying today (or rather.. I think I caught it but I forgotten it) But I only rem vaguely that while he was praying.. such a thought (or vision? image?) came into my mind.. and that was of me and my bro praying over our mobile phones.. what exactly that meant I am really not too sure.. or was it just solely my imagination? Umz.. perhaps I've been thinkign too much since he has recently bought a NIV bible.. and we were actually sharing wif each other the diff versions of the bible! Umz.. And fact is.. he put it into his NS bag.. I wonder what that means..

But whatever the case.. I also rem feeling quite rejuvenated after service (ok.. that was the short adrenaline rush for a while that kept me hyper) perhaps afetr teh strong message..

*5 mins later* Ar! I recall now.. haha.. Uncle Andy's message was abt having faith in God! Hahaha... And how we should feel encouraged by God's word.. Ok.. I really believe that there is alot alot alot alot more I want to know.. but there isn't alot alot alot alot of time for it.. And when he mentioned this.. another thing came into my mind.. as to whether am I standign strong in my faith or not? I rem the conversation I had wif Ms Gn not too long ago.. how I was telling her that I was really struggling with finding out if I am indeed a true Christian.. And how I was having doubts abt myself.. but today Uncle Andy's message seemed to have hit the nail and reminded me that that was solely the voice of the enemy..

Of course, up till now I still have doubts because I always feel so disobedient (like how I often feel like just obliging to my mum's requests to erm.. go to the temple just so that she wun bug me anymore! Hahaha... But of course.. If given a choice I'll def say no!) And also how I often wondered.. what really lead me to make this choice of being a Christian? And what lies in front of me after that? I suppose I am quite encouraged by today's message..

I reckon that God is trying to tok to me via this manner and I'm really glad that God heard my prayer that I really was feeling tired and that I was just so reluctant to go for service so He actually made the service short! For that, I thank Him.. Perhaps God really know that I needed someone to address my doubts.. and that I din exactly haf alot of chances to tok to anyone abt this.. and hence this message! Haha..

And also.. Uncle Andy's message today reminded me of how often I'm the light of others.. just that I dunno it myself.. I've always been offering a listening ear to anyone who needs it and offering advice to everyone.. So.. why can't I do it for myself and be more optimistic? =)

So.. Thank God for leading me to go for today's service, for getting YX to teach me maths this morning (though I really adhor maths) and also for letting me have the energy for teh whole day even though I din exactly study much today.. =)

I shld be sleeping soon (and waking up to complete the essays) so I shall just end off with the prayer agenda for this week since I prob wun be updating this blog for quite sometime till maybe after the A levels..

1) Having a closer relationship with God so that He can address my doubts? I.E to strengthen my faith in Him hahaha...

2) Exams fever is on so just wanna pray for each and every one of my classmates and also for YC-ers who are sitting for teh exams.. Praying hard that God's grace will bring us through and that He will guide us through whatever information that we need to know =)

3) Perhaps.. perhaps.. BS to start soon?

4) My family as usual.. And perhaps.. if my bro is a Christian.. that he'll tell me the truth?

5) The stupid haze to go away.. its making each and everyone of us having diff bodily chemical reactions lar!! Grrrr...

6) That I will not shed too many buckets of tears on Tues for farewell haha and for 2mr's class dinner and outing (can't wait can't wait!! Yay!) to be smooth sailign and that it'll put a wonderfull full stop (loose translation from the chinese phrase) to our college lives as we continue with our preparation for the big one..

I supppose that is all.. anything u wan me to pray for I shall add on to teh list too.. and I shall udpate if I think of anything else.. I'm too tired already.. tata~~ the next entry won't be that soon... so till then =)

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I've just persuaded my bro to come to chruch wif me when i'm gg.. hehe.. let's hope he rems when he comes back from his camp in 2 weeks time.. he's rushing down from farrer park! hehe.. I juz luv him sometimes.. hehehe..

Greattttt sense of satisfaction.. muahaha...

[EDIT] Oh boy.. and did I mention.. I hate the stress that's being exerted by the bio dept.. rahhh.. Can't stand it.. why can't lessons stop like now? Rahh!!! *snares* A levels had better end soon.. OR ELSE... rahhhhhhh

[EDIT] actually.. I dun hafta even pull nor play wif my hair.. it has started a trend of dropping on its own everywhere!! Yiiii.. I'm balding! Thank God I've got naturally thicker hair! =X

Yiii~~!!

Ok.. I think I did sth wrong juz now.. by eating sth that was offered to Gods.. but.. I really din noe it was until I ate it and my mum told me after that!! Yiiii... Haha.. but as the saying goes.. "Bu zhi zhe wu zui" I shall just pray 2mr morning to ease my guilt.. though it isn't exactly that heavy on my mind now since I'm more worried abt the upcoming maths retest and my abilities to complete stuff..

I seriously think I need 42 hours a day to complete the papers.. and to dig out more questions for Mrs Tag.. Thank God that Ms Yee cancelled the consultation 2mr and for the whole of this week or not I'll really miss out on my sleep this week.. ok.. not that I wun be actually..

Mugged the whole day away today.. as in literally.. I've only completed:

1) MJ chem prelim 06 MCQ *was enuff to drive me nuts*
2) Analysis of HCI 06 chem paper (where I went wrong)
3) Female repro tract up to menstural cycle before events leading to fertilisation (considering the speed I'm gg at.. kill me pls someone..)
4) 2 questions of chem nov 05 paper
5) 1 week of 1100 words

I shall cont 2mr morning.. at 4 am.. -_-" God, please bring me through this!! Rahhhh...

Oh and thanks Ms Yee.. for that prayer over the phone.. though I was really feeling quite tired as I closed my eyes.. (and opened it at times) hehe..

I can't bear to leave TJ.. =( Ok.. that was random..

Night!

oNLinE BS

Umz.. was just browsing through the link that YX gave me yest.. pretty useful. .coz it reminded me of several things which must have been stored in my brain somewhere from the reading of the bible (like n years ago)

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened." (Luke 11:9-10) "

I rem that this was the verse that for one period of time when I was really feeling quite depressed and not knowing how to move on when it accosted me just as if it came out of nowhere.. by God..

"Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need" (Hebrews 4:16)"

I guess I need to find my confidence there.. Pretty useful web though.. shall scan through it again when I have the time..thanks YX! Hahaha..

Oh.. and I supposed God answered my prayer today coz while I was just lamenting to Tingzi abt how far I've drifted away from my sec sch frens.. the next min I noe.. I've received a SMS from Yu Xuan asking for a study date.. though it wasn't exactly too productive.. but I still am thankful for it.. =)

I am still pressing on for the As although the stress is inevitable there.. but I suppose.. God will bring me through it =)

mUg.. MUg.. MUG!!

Eewww... its down to 3 weeks for the As and another 7 weeks to freedom!! Hehehe.. But as the time draws nearer.. I find it hard to part with TJ.. I'm much more attached to college than to CCH.. Its events and everything.. I guess really moulded my character to a certain extent and its just like my second home..

Oh.. btw, HAPPY MID AUTUMN'S FESTIVAL!! Hahaha... But there's no moon due to the haze.. Argh.. and its supposedly one of the roundest this year too... Rahh.. no thanks to the forest fires.. harm environment.. harm organisms.. and worse of all, harm our health!! No wonder there's an increase in global warming... grrr.. just wish that the authorities concerned would juz do sth to it.. and not let it affect ASEAN.. the smoke's getting on my nerves..

Umz.. finally had a chance to talk to Ms Yee today regarding what happened.. even though it wasn't enough to talk abt everything coz of my next lesson.. but well.. it was sufficient to help =) Though I still wish that sometimes I was born a christian so that I wun have that many probs and also that I will have somewhere to channel my doubts to.. haha..

Well.. My sis has finished her N levels... while I'm still struggling here.. Soon.. soon! Haha.. But just looking at the amt of workload I have for this weekend alone is enough to kill my interest off.. Not gg to church this week coz of that..

List of things to be done:
1) Bio (endless structured... essays.. revision.. bleahx.. like we can finish everything w/n 2 tutorials lidat.. not as though we have time to finish also)

2) Chem Nov 05 paper 3 and MJ/HC 06 paper to accumulate questions..

3) Maths 03 paper 1, 05 paper 2, and I wanna either start on HC06/VJ04

4) GP: 1100 words.. at least 3-5 weeks worth..

Now you see why I can't go to church? hahahaha.. And FYI I think gg to sch is useful but not when you have more and more work accumulated and you end up feeling tired and not having sufficient time for everything!

How I wish (and I suppose this is everyone's dream too) that God will just lengthen the no. of hours a day to 42...

Yay!!

Looks like I might be a CEO next time after As.. coz I've got those grades for my prelims!! Hehehe.. It was just like a prayer answered by God hehe.. so.. for that, thank God!! Hehehe.. I think I just made it to an E for Bio.. just like how I made it to a C for Chem (53 is a D and I got 54 muahahaha) And point is.. I'm seeing progress myself, esp in Bio.. But that is not sth worth to be complacent for hehehe.. Hoping that I can get my triple A!! Hehehehe...

Well.. I prob wun be coming online for the few weekdays (bash me, hit me or knock me to my senses if you do see me online during weekdays for more than 1/2 hour for the next 8 weeks) So.. prayer agenda for this week:

1) That my stomach will stop protesting against me at this point of time -_-"
2) Determination to continue on
3) That I can finish reading my whole Bio syllabus again (like for the nth and last time I am doing this..)
4) That I can have better time management
5) My Sis's N levels to be smooth sailing..
6) This is sth that Ms Gn is helping me to pray for also.. its abt my family.. haven't gotten a chance to tell Ms Yee yet.. so haha..
7) That I can get my 3 As! (You bet my confidence boosted up after this round of results =D)

Ok.. I think that was alot.. Hehe..

That aside.. I think I really, seriously and truely shld find out more abt my religion =)

Bleahx.. I'm crapping =P

FinaLisEd ReSuLtS

Ok.. erm my previous entry seemed abit long so I shall jzu start a new entry for this..

Bio: 42/100
Chem: 54/100
Maths: 38/100
G.P: 47.5/100

Eh.. let's just say that my GP has always been w/n this range so I am kidn of not surprised at it anyway.. am still devising ways to improve on my always failing comprehension.. haha.. No thanks to the Cambridge's policy of no lifting =X Looks like I've gotta work like super fast on my 1100 words and I'm only on my 8th week!! OMG.. loads more to complete..

Bio.. erm.. I dunno abt the grades yet but I'm praying very hard that it's a E.. at least it wun look that bad on my grad cert then.. DEO? CEO? hehe.. But I'm not placing too high hopes on it.. coz it seems that this tiem round my class all did pretty well.. I just hope that its not that good enuff that I can get an F for Bio.. no please...

Seems that all my tutors have confidence in me.. hehe.. Mrs Tag was like.. "Hope you can get an A in A levels"... Considering the fact that I'm listed as one of her weakest students.. I dunno if that was meant to spur me on or? haha.. but or coz.. I choose to take it as the latter since its my last lap already.. =) Ms Tay? ar.. haha.. I think she'll be vvvv happy if I tell her I dun have alot of questions to ask her LOL..

Anyway.. situations occured today during Maths make up (which took up more than 1 hour btw) My gums bled (after not bleeding for 5 or 6 years??!) and bets part was I din even notice it till Mrs Tag came and ask what happened to my teeth! Umz.. ok.. it took me a few mins to stop the bleeding.. Imagine seeing your whole front teeth stained with blood.. gory sight and I really went pale just looking at it in the mirror along.. eek.. wonder what happened.. The last time I visited the dentist was abt 10 mths ago haha.. But shld not be the gums prob I guess..

2nd situation was that Constance nearly fainted in the middle of the class.. hope she's alright now =) Oh well.. Prob the exams stress or "fever" I suppose.. And to think that Mrs Tag was toking abt the worst case scenario that can happen during A levels.. erm.. well it occured right in the heart of TJC today...

Alright.. more updates abt teh grades later on.. 5 weeks..

mUgGinG MuGgEr

Happy children's day! Hehehe.. To all who are still young at heart and undergoing education w/n the defined limits of Singapore.. hehehe..

Went for service today.. was quite late coz I really din wanna go.. couldn't finish my work.. the only thing I completed was Nov 05 paper 1 for maths.. Not on schedule yet.. I really wondering how to plan for the next few weeks ahead.. much less to say deal with feelings.. which shld be the last thing on my mind now.. haha..

Well.. couldn't really comprehend what the speaker was toking abt today.. furthermore.. I really was too tired and I was trying very hard not to keep my eyes shut in that very cold room.. Imagine yourself freezing even after you're wearing a thick jacket.. wow.. I was sitting right opp the air con too.. reminds me of how I was shivering w/n my jacket during chem paper 2 and paper 1.. hahaha..

Vaguely rem the speaker toking sth abt faith.. faith.. definition? well.. I have no idea where and which direction I am at now.. In fact.. what is my relationship wif God?

Went to see the new church building.. Erm.. I think it looked more like a maze to me haha.. it'll be a miracle if no one gets lost there given all the small corners.. haha.. The teens had a meeting regarding mission trips.. I doubt I can go.. I dun think I will want to go too.. since it's right after grad night.. I wanna start work immediately to lighten mummy's burden..

And.. speaking of that...

It wasn't till Sat when I saw mummy carrying groceries alone that I saw that she was ageing.. I know it is a fact that everyone ages.. but well.. I shall not say it here.. perhaps some things are best kept at heart and let time heal all wounds and everything.. Wanted to tok to Ms Yee abt that and tell her more but din have the chance to.. well.. din wanna spoil her mood nor disturb her too.. and I was really tired by then.. So I guess.. maybe next time.. or.. well... let fate decree it..

I will not be gg to church for quite some time.. and no it is not solely because of my studies alone..

Let's just say that I'm really tired of juggling btw family, school and church..

[EDIT] I just had this long long long conver wif Ms Gn.. was just ranting.. details.. erm.. come and ask me lar.. not too convenient to say here..